Losing Sight: The Start to an Awakening

I’m hurt, not wounded. Emotional, not enraged. Hesitant, not fearful.

I’m upset with myself and my inability to see and act on the red flags waving all along the way. I stayed steady to the most volatile situation in my life to only lose sight of my truest self. Seeking after a thought I believed I could make a reality. Listening for the truths I wanted to hear, I was deaf to the sirens warning of my impaired vision and loss of hearing that would lead me to hurt, confusion, and an ongoing hesitation toward the future. I loved hard. I believed infinitely. I dreamed big. And all while I am hurting now from the delayed realizations due to my glossy-eyed views, I am content with the thought that I saved myself.

When I first met M, it was forbidden.

A dark thick club, full of navy men and “locals” from the grim places of surrounding neighborhoods all loomed over naïve willing college-goers seeking escape and excitement. The music blared disorienting rational thoughts and senses. The smell of sweat, tobacco, and lust-filled the air. I danced with little inhibition or care when he stepped behind me. I could feel his reservations from the start. His hidden fear luring me into curiosity; his command released my control. “I bet you won’t do that over here” is all it took for me to fall captive into his appeal and begin to lose sight.